Busy day for a troll like me...

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thought she might have imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly a magical granny with butterfly wings manifested in front of her and tells her, "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

"Yes!" shouts the woman as she slaps the hovering granny around with her handbag, "Just where were you on my wedding day?!"

+1 lololol

Like hahaha

Two men were sun-tanning themselves on a Beach in the Maldives when they started a friendly conversation.

"I was able to move here to retire after my business burned to the ground," the one man said. "The insurance payment sure came in handy."

The other replied, "I'm here living from an insurance claim when my factory was flooded out."

The first man pondered for a few seconds and then asked, "How do you start a flood?"

This is fresh off the oven;

Lil ms mC: why is the student standing outside?

I really tried very hard on this but gave up after a few quick tries as the school bus was approaching.

Answer: It is because the student is 'out-standing'.

This is the grin i got from her this morning....

Haha, out-standingly cute.

Hahaha Outstanding indeed.

An African Tribesman comes running into his cave panting heavily with his body drench in perspiration. His wife asked him what's wrong.

He explained, “There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!”

His wife asks, “Why?

The tribesman replied, “I didn’t stop to ask!”

You know how talk has been going for years that computers might one day take over the world?

Heck! Hollywood even made a trilogy out of it; Terminator.



My fellow beings, I would like to reassure all that day will never come.

Computers may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

True Experience and lesson learnt from a food centre this morning;

When you want to get someone's attention, be a little more specific despite not knowing the person's name.


One stall's auntie tried to call another stall's auntie, "Auntie. Auntie! AUNTIE AH!!!"


all the other auntie's head turn except for the one that she wants to call.

Three guys, Ah Beng, Ah Kow and Ah Seng sat at the end of a bar downing a few drinks when a beautiful lady, Ah Huay walked in and sat at the opposite end. She noticed that they were drooling over her and offered them a deal. "If any of you can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence that I like, I'll let you buy me a drink."

The guys started punching each other, feeling quite sure of themselves.

The Ah Beng blurts out, "I like liver and cheese."

"Wah Lau Eh! A bit more happening, can or not?!" snarls Ah Huay.

Then Ah Kow speaks up, "Liver and cheese make good food."

The Ah Huay turns her head and says, "Pls loh. Anyone can do that."

Finally, Ah Seng climbs up onto the bar and speaks, "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

"Tow Kay, Tiger Ji Kee!" bellows Ah Huay.

Two guys on a tandam bike are pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant,

"Whew, that was so hard."

The second replied, "If I hadn't been pressing the brakes the whole time, we would have rolled down backwards.”

Hahaha

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Good one to start the day. Thanks!

My humble contribution to the thread...

Father buys a lie detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper table.

Father asked the son, "where were you last night?"

Son replies, "I was at the library" The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house, watching a movie" the son says!

"What movie?" the father says.

"Toy story", Robot slaps the son, "OK it was porn", cried the son.

Father yells, "what? When I was your age I did not know what porn was." Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says , "He certainly is your son." Robot slaps the mother.

Why did the cook get arrested?















Because he beat up an egg.

BRITISH celebrity chef Antony Worrall Thompson was arrested after shoplifting cheese and wine at a Tesco grocery store.

The "Ready Steady Cook" star, 60, was cautioned by police for pilfering five times in Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire.

Worrall Thompson was arrested in front of astonished customers after five shoplifting episodes in just 16 days.

Suspicious staff filmed the chef on a secret camera in the store's self-service checkout area, where shoppers scan barcodes on their purchases and pay using machines.

The recession-hit star is said to have put some items under the scanner but sneaked others into bags without paying for them. Guards stopped him from leaving the supermarket and checked his bags after he was filmed last Friday - then called police.

Sources said the stolen goods were "relatively low value" but included cheeses and bottles of wine.

Might for his new show: "Budget Culinary Skill"...

Since some folks here have already contributed to the humor quota this morning, I have decided today to contribute to my continual tree-hugging efforts and preaching.

I shall start first with something that I have been believing for the last 16 years. Yes. Most of you all know what I am going to talk about now.



Something that one of good friends send me the other day.

Picture speaks a thousand words.

This is how finning is done.



This poor fella here is unlucky. This shark got finned alive. Just imagine if someone saws your arms off while you are still alive and with no anesthetic or pain killer of any sort. Its nothing personal. He is not doing it to eat you for the sake of staying alive but it is just business so that he can earn some money to buy some overpriced stuff that they do not need.



The sharks with better luck got finned when it is already dead but death for them didn't come easy as well, they probably suffocated to death. I cannot imagine how many lucky sharks are there who got an instant death.

What happens after that?





They get thrown aboard as their bulky bodies just take up space onboard the ship and it does not make economical sense. Yes. As a businessman, I understand the business sense of it. But I think we are better than just a standard of a businessman, we are humans sharing this planet with the other life-forms here. Why are we so selfish to just think of ourselves?

If you want to talk about just humans, then why can't you use the profits from the fins to send the meat to the poorer nations to cope with their food shortage?

A good friend once said that better he eat the shark fin first then the shark eat me. The difference is that you eat the sharks' fin for 'fun', the shark eats you to survive. The shark didn't pick you from a menu presented to him by another fish, did he?




'When the buying stops, so does the killing.'

One of the many green messages that I will be spreading in time to come.

mUAr_cHEe wrote:

Since some folks here have already contributed to the humor quota this morning, I have decided today to contribute to my continual tree-hugging efforts and preaching.

I shall start first with something that I have been believing for the last 16 years. Yes. Most of you all know what I am going to talk about now.



Something that one of good friends send me the other day.

Picture speaks a thousand words.

This is how finning is done.



This poor fella here is unlucky. This shark got finned alive. Just imagine if someone saws your arms off while you are still alive and with no anesthetic or pain killer of any sort. Its nothing personal. He is not doing it to eat you for the sake of staying alive but it is just business so that he can earn some money to buy some overpriced stuff that they do not need.



The sharks with better luck got finned when it is already dead but death for them didn't come easy as well, they probably suffocated to death. I cannot imagine how many lucky sharks are there who got an instant death.

What happens after that?





They get thrown aboard as their bulky bodies just take up space onboard the ship and it does not make economical sense. Yes. As a businessman, I understand the business sense of it. But I think we are better than just a standard of a businessman, we are humans sharing this planet with the other life-forms here. Why are we so selfish to just think of ourselves?

If you want to talk about just humans, then why can't you use the profits from the fins to send the meat to the poorer nations to cope with their food shortage?

A good friend once said that better he eat the shark fin first then the shark eat me. The difference is that you eat the sharks' fin for 'fun', the shark eats you to survive. The shark didn't pick you from a menu presented to him by another fish, did he?




'When the buying stops, so does the killing.'

One of the many green messages that I will spreading in time to come.

I totally agree that when the buying stops so will the killing. Stop eating shark fins and save the sharks before they become extinct.

Chinese people will eat anything. No conscience whatsoever.

Here's a very disturbing article which is semi-related to my point.