Joke to share

Subject: Joke to share Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:06 pm

Two men are talking at the water cooler at work one Monday morning.

"What did you do this weekend" asked Don.

"Dropped hooks into water." replied Dave.

"Fishing, eh"

"No, golfing."

Subject: Re: Joke to share Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:30 pm

lol. Good mid week joke

Subject: Re: Joke to share Sat Dec 20, 2014 11:44 am

Another one:

Please stop checking you watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!

This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!

Subject: Re: Joke to share Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:59 am

I'm bored at the office on Christmas Eve. Waiting for 1pm (half-day today).

Sorry to bore you guys with another silly joke:

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, Fla., exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.

Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.

However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying:

"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one."

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
"Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true. The voice boomed out again:
"Take another practice swing."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited ...

A long silence followed ...

Then the voice again:
"Use the old ball."

Hope you had a laugh. Merry Christmas to all!!!

Subject: Re: Joke to share Mon Dec 29, 2014 2:55 am

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer.

At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.

"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

Subject: Re: Joke to share Mon Dec 29, 2014 10:06 am

Good one.

Subject: Re: Joke to share Mon Dec 29, 2014 1:30 pm

Something to kick-start your Blue Monday:

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after finishing 18 holes.Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?" "Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 at a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, tennis court, acre of park area, beach front property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $1,450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,400,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Subject: Re: Joke to share Wed Dec 31, 2014 12:14 pm

One for the road. Happy New Year everyone!

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Subject: Re: Joke to share Mon Jan 05, 2015 2:11 pm

First one for 2015

Family Men
Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.

The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have eleven sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives.

One more and I'll have a golf course."

Subject: Re: Joke to share Mon Jan 05, 2015 3:08 pm

Love the last one. But the saying is always 19 or 37 holes. Never stop at 18 or 36. lol!

Subject: Re: Joke to share Tue Jan 06, 2015 8:53 am

good one!

Subject: Re: Joke to share Thu Jan 08, 2015 1:39 pm

Teeing off Womens Tee Box

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back.... "Would the asshole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot"!"

Subject: Re: Joke to share Fri Jan 16, 2015 2:19 pm

One for the weekend!

The F-Word

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the putt!!!"

Subject: Re: Joke to share Sun Jan 18, 2015 10:01 pm

Subject: Re: Joke to share Sun Jan 25, 2015 6:21 pm

One for the new week:

Cheating

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

Subject: Re: Joke to share Mon Jan 26, 2015 9:06 pm

Short of how many?????? That the crux of the joke

Newbie Golfer Posts : 20 Join date : 2015-02-06

Hahahah this thread made my day

Subject: Re: Joke to share Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:05 pm

Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?"

"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.

"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a wom- an. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.

When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"

All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."

The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"

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