Golf Jokes

so bored, so surf online for jokes...not sure if posted b4.....




Arnie, Jack and Tiger Before God

rnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"

Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?"

Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

A Cheater and a Liar


Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, "What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?" Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.

It's a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.

"C'mon," Gary says to Lee, "help me find my ball. I'll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there."

They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desparate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.

"Found my ball!" Gary shouts out triumphantly.

Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment. "After all the years we've been friends," Lee says, "you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat?" Gary asks indignantly. "I found my ball sitting right here!"

Lee lets out a heavy sigh. "And you'd lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You'd cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can't believe you'd stoop so low."

"Well what makes you so sure I'm cheating and lying, anyway?" Gary asks.

"Because," Lee replies, "I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

LOL!

Gotcha


Marvin was a 14-handicapper, but one day he walked up to his club pro, a scratch golfer, and challenged him to a match. He proposed they put up $100 each on the outcome.

"But," Marvin said to the pro, "since you're so much better than me, you have to give me two 'gotchas'."

"A 'gotcha'?" the golf pro asked, "what's that?"

"Don't worry," Marvin replied, "I'll use one of my 'gotchas' on the first tee and you'll understand."

The golf pro figured that whatever 'gotchas' were, giving up only two of them was no big deal - especially if one had to be used on the first tee. So he agreed to the bet, and the pro and Marvin headed to the first tee to start their match.

Around four hours later, club members were amazed to see the pro handing Marvin $100. The pro had lost to Marvin!

The club members waited for the pro to enter the clubhouse, then asked him what happened.

"Well," the pro said, "I took the club back on the first tee, and as I started my downswing, Marvin knelt behind me, reached up between my legs and grabbed my crotch, and yelled 'Gotcha!' "

The club pro just shook his head. "Have you ever tried to play 18 holes waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

Old and smarter


A young man, his father and his grandfather were about to tee off to start their round when an incredibly good-looking woman walked up to the tee box.

"Would you like to join us and make a foursome?" asked the grandfather.

"I would, but on one condition," replied the lovely young woman. "I prefer to select my own clubs and make my own putts without advice from men. Every other time I've golfed with men, they try to give me advice. Will you agree not to give me advice?"

The men all consented in unison, none of them being particularly good players.

As they soon realized, this young woman was a fabulous golfer. She was getting par on every hole. The men were wondering who would have the nerve to give her advice!

On the eighteenth hole, the woman found herself facing a 35-foot putt, with a severe undulation on the green. She studied it, and studied it, and studied it.

Finally, she said, "Gentlemen, I'm very happy that none of you tried to give me advice before this. I've never played a round with men when at least one of them didn't try to give me some advice. Right now, if I make this putt, I'll have par for the course, and I'm asking for your advice. If you help me and I make this shot, I'll sleep with each one of you!"

The young man rushed over, studied the putt, and said, "You have to aim for that small bush to the left of the hole, that should be the right break!"

The father ran over and studied the putt, then said, "No, I think you should aim at the knot on the log to the left of the hole, and that will be the right break!"

The grandfather walked up to the ball. "Heck," he said, calmly picking up the ball, "that's a gimme."

The Octagenerian


An 80-year-old man moved to a new city and joined a new country club. When he first showed up at the club, a lot of its members looked at him eagerly: an old man, someone we can win some money from!

The 80-year-old man did nothing to dispell their reactions. "I hit the ball pretty good," he said, "but I have a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers."

"Aha!" thought the whippersnappers. "Our course doesn't have many deep bunkers, but there are tons of shallow ones and if he struggles getting out of the sand, we'll take his money for sure."

When the 80-year-old showed up for his first round at his new course, Harvey was waiting. "Would you like to play?" he asked the old man. "And maybe we can make it interesting - what do you say, put a little money on it?"

The 80-year-old agreed and he and Harvey set out to play. "How many strokes do you need?" asked Harvey, who was only 55. "Oh, I don't need any strokes," the old man said, "my game is really good. The only problem I'm having right now is getting out of deep bunkers."

Harvey was a pretty good player, but the old man was really good. He was striping the ball. If not for Harvey's 25-year age advantage, the old man would have been far ahead.

The old man even hit the ball great on a couple bunker shots. "Hmmm," Harvey thought, "he said he had trouble out of deep bunkers, and we haven't really got to one of those yet ... just be patient, I know he'll find one of the deep bunkers around the 17th green."

Sure enough, Harvey and the old man reached the par-3 17th hole tied, and the old man promptly put his tee ball right smack in the middle of the big, deep bunker in front of the green.

"I've got him now!" Harvey thought.

The 80-year-old slid down into the bunker and took his stance over the ball. Then he took a perfect swing and floated the ball up out of the bunker. It hit perfectly on the fringe, took one little hop and rolled to within two feet of the cup before stopping.

Harvey had seen enough. "Dang it!" he shouted at the old man, who was still in the bunker. "I thought you said you had a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers!"

"Oh, I do," the 80-year-old said, reaching out to Harvey. "Can you give me a hand?"

Small world... kekekeke


Brandon and Wesley are playing golf at their favorite course, but on every hole they are being held up by a twosome of women who are always half a hole ahead.

The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow. Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Wesley decided to do something.

"I'll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through," Wesley said. He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and headed back to where Brandon waited.

"Can't do it," Wesley said, sounding mighty embarrassed. "One of them is my wife and the other's my mistress!"

"OK," Brandon said with understanding. "Then I'll go ask them."

Brandon started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.

"What's wrong?" Wesley asked when Brandon got back.

To which Brandon could only reply: "Small world, isn't it?"

aha!
This is good!

oh soo wrong. on so many levels.

hahaha.... kns leh JT! Of so many names u dun use, u use my name...... nene....

jaketang wrote:

Old and smarter


A young man, his father and his grandfather were about to tee off to start their round when an incredibly good-looking woman walked up to the tee box.

"Would you like to join us and make a foursome?" asked the grandfather.

"I would, but on one condition," replied the lovely young woman. "I prefer to select my own clubs and make my own putts without advice from men. Every other time I've golfed with men, they try to give me advice. Will you agree not to give me advice?"

The men all consented in unison, none of them being particularly good players.

As they soon realized, this young woman was a fabulous golfer. She was getting par on every hole. The men were wondering who would have the nerve to give her advice!

On the eighteenth hole, the woman found herself facing a 35-foot putt, with a severe undulation on the green. She studied it, and studied it, and studied it.

Finally, she said, "Gentlemen, I'm very happy that none of you tried to give me advice before this. I've never played a round with men when at least one of them didn't try to give me some advice. Right now, if I make this putt, I'll have par for the course, and I'm asking for your advice. If you help me and I make this shot, I'll sleep with each one of you!"

The young man rushed over, studied the putt, and said, "You have to aim for that small bush to the left of the hole, that should be the right break!"

The father ran over and studied the putt, then said, "No, I think you should aim at the knot on the log to the left of the hole, and that will be the right break!"

The grandfather walked up to the ball. "Heck," he said, calmly picking up the ball, "that's a gimme."

Heard this one but the rest were good. Thanks, you are also helping me pass my time in the office before I head off for the long weekend.

actually i m bored to death......

absolutely nothin to do now!! waiting for time to pass ever so slowly.......

you guys need to learn the skill of 'self-entertainment'.. hahaa..

heading off to where?. I totally forgot its a bloody long weekend can. sigh. super blur.

jt... woo msn boh?

jaketang wrote:

actually i m bored to death......

absolutely nothin to do now!! waiting for time to pass ever so slowly.......

Hang in there! Truth be told I'm also bored to death but kept myself busy by reading the forum. I'm sure you will be leaving soon. Just think of the long weekend that should perk you up. Playing on Saturday and Sunday too.

MC, my company block it... cited the reason - unproductive!!!!!

they even block facebook, hi5, msn, even hotmail..... sigh... and yahoo games and many many game's site...

sob sob....

small world indeed!

mloy wrote:

jaketang wrote:

actually i m bored to death......

absolutely nothin to do now!! waiting for time to pass ever so slowly.......

Hang in there! Truth be told I'm also bored to death but kept myself busy by reading the forum. I'm sure you will be leaving soon. Just think of the long weekend that should perk you up. Playing on Saturday and Sunday too.

yup... me too....trying to surf abit net...

later goin OCC... and only sat playing 1 round....

quite xianz actually..... not enuff golf.... but cant play much due to fitness n age... sigh....

Bro JT, u going down OCC later? Wat time?

LinLauPeh wrote:

Bro JT, u going down OCC later? Wat time?

lessons with paul from 8pm-9pm...

prob rch ard 730 to meet a few GRians, "loaning" my putters to one of them .

plan to go range later but dunno to try OCC or go back to my fav EGC.

How's the conditions in OCC?

just irritated i forgot it was a long weekend. No plans. looks like family.. here I come. LOL. about time I spend more time with them. phew...

LinLauPeh wrote:

plan to go range later but dunno to try OCC or go back to my fav EGC.

How's the conditions in OCC?

errr shld be okay ba....

i only go there for lesson.... were there last week... think they change new balls liao....

joleelyn wrote:

just irritated i forgot it was a long weekend. No plans. looks like family.. here I come. LOL. about time I spend more time with them. phew...

yup.. spend more time with family... dun always golf n boy boy....

EGC got a lot of monkey and liazards ...
OCC is nicer now and hv new range balls , but got thief! my range card was stolen last sunday ...